ELEVEN BULLETS - BY GABE HUDSON.
Actor Joaquin Phoenix takes a metaphorical trip to the firing range, dodging all the usual bullets about his family and love life, and managing to squeeze off a few rounds of his own.
Note: Due to the author's
idiocy, he understood that this piece on Joaquin Phoenix was supposed to be
20,000 words, only to discover, after finishing the piece at said word count,
that the piece was only
supposed to be 2,000 words. And so, Gabe mailed the 20,000 word version to
Joaquin Phoenix--who's [sic] films include The Yards, Gladiator, Quills, Signs,
and the forthcoming war satire, Buffalo Soldiers (a film which Joaquin wants to
make clear, "It's OK to laugh at" -- with the request that he,
Joaquin, blindfold himself, use scissors to cut the article up into fragments,
and then mail the fragments in a box back to Gabe. Joaquin performed this task,
that of blindfolding himself and cutting up the original piece, with startling
ingenuity and elan, and upon receiving the box full of variously sized fragments
(62 in total, and some of the pages were cut longways, not side to side), Gave
took them to a firing range in
Manhattan, and appended all 62 fragments to a jumbo-sized target. Then Gabe,
employing the use of a pistol (the type of pistol will remain a mystery, though
we will say it was definitely not the over-
hyped, runaway success firearm of the season -- the Giuliani forty-five),
discharged eleven (out of sixteen) rounds into the target and, surprisingly,
managed to place a round in eleven different Joaquin-generated fragments of the
original, preposterously long piece. What follows are those eleven fragments, in
the order they were shot, minus the bullet holes. Please note: The author does
not condone the use of guns as a remedy for writer's block, nor should you, the
reader, given the above antidote, feel that you are in any more danger than
usual of being -- God Bless America -- shot while reading this piece.
1. IF JOAQUIN IS IN YOUR AIR
SPACE, BE CAREFUL, BECAUSE HE PROBABLY HAS YOU IN HIS SIGHTS, WITH HIS
HUMAN-THEFT MACHINE LOCKED AND LOADED.
Joaquin was describing to me his theory about being authentic as an actor. And
then I said, "Do you think this desire to be authentic and genuine leads
you to study other people?" As in regular citizens?
"You're amazing. You couldn't be more on the money. As an actor, to me, the most important thing is observing people around me. I still do it all the time, and look at someone and imagine what their life would be like, and then I'll store that emotion."
When I pressed him further on his tendency toward Emotion Profiling, and asked him what exactly makes a person a good candidate for this, he explained that it could be anyone. He said, "People I pass in a party. Something they forget about it, but to me it means a lot for no reason that I know. That's my material. Sometimes I'm convinced I can look at somebody and know what his life is like. Of course, I could be wrong. A guy walks down the street. And I just start thinking about him. About his life. I go into his business life. A mixture of a real person and my own fantasy about him."
I made the comment that this tendency reflects a strong imaginative impulse, and that, I thought, on some level at least, that meant he had to actually care about these people.
He said, "Absolutely. Sometimes I can get really worked up. I was shopping for Christmas, and I saw this kid in the store. I got really sad for him." Joaquin explained that the kid looked alone, but then amended his story by saying, "I know if I talked to a psychologist they would say I was projecting."
I asked him if his celebrity status had impeded his ability to study people, since one assumes he gets studied a lot himself in public.
"I don't recognize people recognizing me. It still freaks me out. I feel so strange about it. I'm still just the kid I always was."
2. JOAQUIN GETS BALLISTIC ON
THE SUBJECT OF EMOTIONAL TARGET PRACTICE, AND THE LITTLE KNOWN SIDE EFFECTS OF
CONSTANTLY PUNISHING THE BULL'S-EYE. [sic]
I asked Joaquin what it was like to finish a movie. Did he want to rush into
another movie, or take a break?
"You have to stop yourselves sometimes. Your emotions can get the better of you. When I'm done with a film I'm totally neurotic emotionally. You've spent three months funneling your emotion into something specific. You've had a definite mark you have to hit. You go from that to suddenly, no mark. It takes me a while to just get back to this life."
3. WORD OF WARNING TO PEOPLE
WHO MIGHT TAKE IT UPON THEMSELVES TO INTERVIEW JOAQUIN IN THE FUTURE, AND WHO
WILL THEREFORE LIKELY RECEIVE A PAPER BRICK THROUGH THEIR MIND'S WINDOW, THIS
BRICK BEING FULL OF PREVIOUS INTERVIEWS HE'S DONE, NOT LEAST OF WHICH WILL BE
THIS ONE.
Who are you people, you Celebratory Writer People, that apparently feel
compelled to shoot Joaquin with the same batch of questions (word-bullets) every
time, even when you see it gets horrible results? (My favorite interview from
the press packet was where Joaquin told the interviewer, "This is the most
boring interview in the world.") Why would you hassle someone about stuff
like that, for instance, when common sense and courtesy says you shouldn't touch
on (words have been deleted), or (word has been deleted), and definitely not
(words have been deleted), because you know you wouldn't want that type of
question launched into your face? Joaquin, for what it's worth, is extremely
conscientious, self-deprecating in the best possible way (which is to say, it's
not a form of arrogance), an agile conversationalist, and, I am not being hokey
or kidding about this, seems to exude a kind of warmth and exuberance for other
people in his vicinity (constantly watching people, making sure to personally
thank the owner/manager of the establishment -- here comes the obligatory plug
for this kind of piece: Yaffa's Tea Room -- where we conducted the interview,
and one time even standing up and doing an endearing impersonation of a mutual
friend), seemingly comfortable switching topics and emotional gears at random
(no he does not speak in ADD-style, Late Show sound bytes, or preprogrammed
promotional jargon), which is not to say he is normal, or just like a Regular
Joe, because he's not. He's completely @#%$ weird, but aren't all the really
good things completely @#%$ weird?
4. ARE YOU SAYING THAT IF I
ASK JOAQUIN THE WRONG TYPE OF QUESTION, THEN HE WILL BITE ME?
So no, Joaquin will not bite you. But he will get up and walk out (let's be
clear, he did not do this to me), not in anger, but because despite everything
he's accomplished by the age of 28, he's managed to retain -- salvage, defend
(insert your own verb here, but make sure it has a semiheroic connotation) --
whatever it is that makes him a sensitive human being, someone who makes it
clear that he loves and admires his mother, which, if you're the type of future
interviewer I am addressing right now, you should give a try.
5. WHAT WAS IT ABOUT THE
CHARACTER, ELWOOD, FROM BUFFALO SOLDIERS, THAT INTRIGUED YOU?
When I asked Joaquin the above question, he said he was, "Looking for
something that would allow me more freedom with the character. Elwood is a great
character. There's something very liberating about playing that character."
I said Elwood -- the drug-making, arms-running enlisted army man stationed over in Germany -- struck me as having a lot of conflicting impulses, which I knew, from my own writing, usually makes for an interesting character.
He said, "Playing with all those kind of conflicting ideas in a character is fun. Finding a balance. You want the character to be sympathetic to a certain degree. Yet you can't cater to that, you can't make him too sympathetic."
I tried to bear that in mind as I considered how I'd make Joaquin into a character in this piece. For instance, what would Joaquin be wearing in this piece? A wedding dress made out of weapons-grade plutonium, I decided.
6. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT
IS A PAID ENDORSEMENT THAT WAS SUBSIDIZED IN PART BY A GENEROUS ENDOWMENT FROM
THE UNITED STATES ARMED FORCES:
There is a very real chance that by the time you are reading this America
will be at war, and so, given the state of our economy and thus the high rate of
unemployment, I'd like to recommend you consider a career in the Armed Forces.
Think about it, wars are when all the really good medals get handed out, and
everyone knows that medals are better than money. In fact, if this war actually
happens, you might consider the whole thing a veritable gold mine of
medal-winning opportunities, so don't get caught off guard and miss the rush.
But, if you're still on the fence about it, and you're one of the fashionistas
that reads this magazine, then consider this: How chic would you look in a body
bag?
7. WHO IS ONE OF JOAQUIN'S
FAVORITE LIVING ARTISTS?
The one-armed, pipe-smoking man named Ion Birch, whose show, "The Young
Penis," is where I ran into Joaquin. And when I say ran into, I mean
literally. We butted heads and fell over. But isn't art always better to look at
when you're dizzy or suffering from a concussion? If you don't believe me, then
why did the Whitney recently install a boxing ring in their main area?
8. JOAQUIN ON THE SUBJECT OF
INSPIRATION:
I ask Joaquin about other young people in film, both actors and directors.
At one point I mentioned the name Spike Jonze, because I'd heard his name
mentioned somewhere before, and was made to understand this Mr. Jonze was a
living, breathing person.
"I think he's wonderful. Anyone who just does it, and doesn't die in the process is just amazing. The odds of having a good film are against you. Because you're trying to get so many different people toward a common goal. It's just so difficult."
We then talked about the fact that I admire different writers, and that sometimes I feel there's a sense of fellowship with other writers, even if they're doing something completely different than I do.
"I've never really felt a great sense of competitiveness with other actors. A healthy sense of competition -- in that I see something that's wonderful, and I get inspired." This made perfect sense to me, because my favorite writers are the ones who make me want to go write. Joaquin said, "I think that's what Brando, James Dean, Montgomery Clift did. I think those cats would watch each other's movies. I think they were propelling each other."
9. JOAQUIN'S PERSONAL
MISSION TO SAFEGUARD HIS IMAGINATION FROM THE FORCES IN THE WORLD THAT ARE
PLOTTING TO OVERTHROW IT, A KIND OF REGIME CHANGE OF THE HEAD:
Joaquin told me that he's always been a daydreamer. He said that when he reads a
book, it usually trampolines him off into his own imaginary space.
"Especially if something's good. I will take a character from a book and
invent fictional scenarios, and run the characters through these
scenarios."
I said I thought that was pretty great.
He said, "I mean, yeah, it's great. But my memories -- how do I know if my memories of a book are from the book or something I invented?" I commented that using your brain to plagiarize a book seemed like a good thing to be doing. I said, "I've spent so much time reading books, so that my own memories from my life, I don't know if they're mine, or a character's memories from something that happened to them in a book."
10. THE DIRECTOR AS
PREEMPTIVE STRIKE AGAINST BAD ACTING:
Joaquin said, "To me, my director is everything. We have to be on the
same page. I get so excited because it's this wonderful partnership. With that
partnership, you're capable of almost anything." I pushed him on what sorts
of things a good director can make happen.
"A really perceptive director will say, 'I know you're not really laughing.' That's what James Gray did for me. And Night Shyamalan from Signs." He said they'd let him know when he wasn't being honest. "To me that's the most important thing -- for me and acting --honesty. And being as true to the character as possible in the moment. And really feeling it. I mean, I don't really believe in acting. I don't really believe in pretending to be happy. I believe in genuinely feeling that emotion in that time. However you can arrive at that emotion. Of course, it's really impossible to do that all the time. It's what I strive for."
Then I said that I thought a good writer uses his weakness to advantage, though, that he or she learns to camouflage his or her weaknesses with his or her strengths. I said, "You do one thing beautifully, and another writer does this other thing beautifully."
Joaquin lit up, and he said, "That's right, but wouldn't it be great if you did it all beautifully?"
11. A RIDDLE FOR THE READER,
WHICH THE AUTHOR BELIEVES SAYS A BOOK'S WORTH ABOUT THE WAY JOAQUIN LOOKS AT THE
WORLD:
Q: What was the last thing that Joaquin said to Gabe at the end of the interview
regarding this piece that Gabe was now going to write about said interview?
A: "You should just write a story with the two of us in it."
Catch Joaquin Phoenix in Buffalo Soldiers (Miramax), due to hit theaters May 9